Communication Matters: Mud slinging as a way to motivate people to give us empathy and care?

By Jeyanthy Siva
(3rd of the Weekly columns published on “The Nation”, an English language newspaper in Sri Lanka)

This is a column on Nonviolent Communication (NVC), aka compassionate communication. NVC shows a path, a step-by-step process, of how to go from disconnection and violence to connection, compassionate understanding and cooperation – with ourselves, the people around us and the world we live in. It is a language of mutual respect, empathy and honesty, and is often described as ‘the language of the heart.’

Given this purports to be a column on NVC, what does it have to do with ‘mud slinging,’ you might be wondering after seeing the title. Well, it’s an eye catching title, isn’t it? But it’s more than that. Mud slinging (meaning throwing mud at someone) is my metaphor for what we do usually when we are in pain due to some needs of ours not being met. We do this when we have neither been taught to be aware of our needs nor how to express them in a way others can enjoy hearing them and contributing to us.

Let me share a story that illustrates this (I got a version of this from Marshall Rosenberg, the psychologist who developed NVC): Imagine that you are learning a new language (perhaps you decide you want to travel to a new country, so are learning their language). And the person you ask to teach you this new language decides to play a trick on you. So, when you ask him, how do I say in your language – “I am lost and need some help, will you tell me how to find (town name)? Your language teacher trickster says, well, you say “Bufszog folngma iumwe. Wnuys oplpe oij? (What this actually means is “You are smelling badly today. Why don’t you take a bath?). So you are on your trip and you are lost, you take out your notebook and read that sentence to everyone you pass and you are surprised at their reaction: Some look at you funny and walk away quickly and others say some words in a way that sounds angry and some children even throw stones at you. And you are confused… why do they react this way when I ask for help, you wonder. When it keeps happening and you are really lost and tired, you may even get hurt or angry that when you are simply asking for help, people react this way instead of helping you.

That is a mean trick to play on a person, isn’t it? Well, imagine that trick is been played on us already. Not on purpose or by a trickster. But still it is so. I don’t want you to believe me because I said so, I simply ask you to consider this. And to pay attention to the way you think and speak (especially when you are upset or hurt) or the ways those around you speak and see if there is any merit to what I am saying.

The point here is that we have been educated in a way of thinking (and consequently a way of speaking) that isn’t helpful in getting our needs met. When things occur which don’t meet our needs, instead of being taught to be aware of those needs and how to express them and focus our attention on ways to meet them, we have been taught to judge, criticise and blame. I am not referring to formal teaching and learning which happens in a classroom. Most of our learning in life is done by watching others (or from what we hear in stories or see on television, etc) and how they handle similar problems or issues. What do we see as examples of how to respond when someone says or does something that doesn’t meet our needs? The examples I see are mostly how to find fault with him/her or how to assign some bad intention (or at least lack of care) on his/her part and more of this kind of blame focused response.

And so the answer to the second question in the title might be surprising: Who would throw mud at someone when what she/he really wants is care and empathy from that person? Well, all of us do that at some point in our lives. Sadly, we do it most virulently when we are in most pain and in desperate need for care.

Remember the analogy of gold being the needs in our hearts and the judgments and criticisms being the mud which covers up the gold? Most of us (from all the cultures of the world) have been educated to create mud (judgments and criticisms) in our minds when our needs are not met. So it’s understandable that when we are in pain from our needs not being met, we would throw this mud around hoping that it would resolve the problem for us.

Say for example that someone does something that doesn’t meet my need for consideration and care. Perhaps my neighbour unties the cloths line which is tied to the tree on his side of the fence and puts it on the dirt on my side of the yard, with my still wet cloths. And this ruins my favourite white shirt I had just washed and was planning to wear to an important event tomorrow. So, I blame him by saying, “You inconsiderate person! What kind of upbringing did you have to act this way”!

Since the motivation for this verbal mud slinging on my part was because my need for care and consideration was not met, I guess I am hoping that when I say these words, he will see how hurt I am and have empathy and understanding for me. And immediately mend his ways and take action to meet my need for care and consideration! But how likely is that in reality? If you live in the same world I live in, it doesn’t happen very much. More likely, that person will be hurt or annoyed at such words and try to protect or defend himself or do something in turn to hurt me (as a way of expressing his own hurt). And then often I would react to his reaction in some way which will only continue the downward spiral and end up in both of us being more miserable.

So, how can we do this differently? This is where NVC can be helpful – first in becoming aware of our needs and feelings and to learn a vocabulary of words to express them. And than a step by step process to create authentic connection and mutual understanding with others. It can be a process for how to resolve conflicts or better yet, how to communicate in a way that minimises creation of conflict in the first place.

In this limited written format, I only aim to give you an idea of it and hope to inspire you to want to learn more. We are still at the beginning of this journey, so let’s take it one step at time. The process of self discovery of our needs which I talked about in the previous column and expanded on today is the first steps on that journey of a 1,000 miles which we have embarked on.

(For information on NVC trainings in Sri Lanka, visit www.sandhi.org)

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